


If I Never Knew You

by A_Zap



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Between 11x04 and 11x06, Destiel - Freeform, Gen, He moves through time and space, Mostly at the end, Time Travel, slight destiel, universe hopping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2019-02-14 15:05:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13010343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Zap/pseuds/A_Zap
Summary: Dean hadn't meant to get in an argument with Cas, and he had never meant to say such a thing: "Sometimes I wish I had never met you!" Still, it happened and he doesn't know how to make up for it on top of everything else lately. And then what happens when he finds out how thing would be if he had never known Castiel?





	1. Chapter 1

Dean let out a frustrated growl and slammed the book shut. Finding information on this entire thing with the Darkness was harder than finding information on the Mark of Cain.

It couldn't be helped in a way. After all, the Darkness was as old as God, and only he and the archangels had really even met it before. Monsters were afraid of it, and that just spoke volumes. However, even Cas had limited information on it.

And the Darkness being infinite power was not really a helpful fact.

Of course, on top of all that, it had turned out that Sam had hid more about his deal with Rowena than he had originally thought and had been infected by the Darkness. His brother hiding things, even though he had eventually come clean about it, still held a bit of sting to it.

He glanced over at the table where the angel was now sitting. Cas looked tired out, but no wonder considering all he had gone through lately. Sam was out on a food run, and although the thought of food was welcome, it didn't improve his mood.

It didn't stop the frustration growing under his skin. He had thought that things would get better after Sam convinced him to let Cas heal him and they had gotten some hunts done, but it really hadn't.

"This is pointless." There was a slight screeching noise as he pushed his chair back from the table a little too roughly. Dean ignored Cas's look. "We're not going to find anything."

"There could be something." Cas said reasonably. "After all, legends do exist of her existence, even among the ranks of angels. I'm sure humans themselves would have theories and stories about her, and they are more apt to keep records."

"Yeah, stories, but not how to lock her back where she came from." He began to pace, chills crawling up his spine as his thoughts drifted towards the Darkness. There was something unsettling about her and he didn't like the way she had talked about them being bound.

"Instead," Dean quickly moved on, "we have to find that dick to see if he knows anything!"

From the corner of his eye, he could see Cas scowling at that. He was glad that at least someone didn't like the idea of finding Metatron as much as him. Sam was still all for it though.

The hunter felt his frustrated anger deflating a bit. After all, it's not like they had too many options, and this wasn't Cas's fault. He landed heavily in his chair.

Dean hated this. They were trying to go upstream without a paddle once more, and why? All because he had been stupid enough to accept the Mark in the first place and Sam had been too stubborn to let him go.

Still, now that Dean had a moment to relax, he almost couldn't help the random thought that floated through his mind.

"Man," the hunter rubbed his face, trying to dispel the tiredness that had come in the wake of his feeble rage, "sometimes I think it would have been better for everyone if you had just left me in Hell."

He didn't really register the way that those words seemed to hang in the air for a moment, or the faint sound of a sharp intake of breath. He did notice the ringing silence, and at Cas's lack of response, he couldn't help but look up.

Castiel was staring at him with wide eyes. There was a flicker of hurt there, hiding in that gaze that had never really hidden how he felt. He mostly seemed to just be staring at him in shock though.

"What?" Dean didn't know how he could have caused such a reaction.

The angel seemed to gather himself together before answering. "You can't mean that."

"What?" The hunter's face scrunched up in confusion. What exactly was Cas getting at?

"You can't mean that. It would not be better if you had remained in Hell." There was a slight hint of desperation in his voice.

It dawned on Dean, exactly what had triggered this reaction.

"Cas, think about for a second." He hadn't really meant what he had originally said; it was more like a passing thought. But now that he really thought of it, it wasn't totally false. After all, he had been the one to start the breaking of the seals, and it had all tumbled down from there. "I – " He began to explain.

"I am, Dean." The angel interrupted as he stood from his spot, hands curling into fists on the table top. Dean glanced down at the clenched fingers. "That is not true."

"Cas," the hunter could almost feel the frustration that had faded a few moments ago rise once more. "I basically started the Apocalypse by breaking the First Seal, and that's what lead to everything since then."

"It wasn't your fault." Castiel said hotly. "As we learned, both Heaven and Hell were conspiring against you."

"Doesn't matter. It was me who made the decision to pick up the knife."

"If that's true, then you can't blame yourself for everything since then." Castiel argued. "Both Sam and I have made decisions as well that led to this. Removing the Mark was our idea, and that led directly to this."

"Yeah, but I'm the one who chose to take on the Mark in the first place!"

They were arguing in earnest now. It had been ages since they had fought like this. It's not like Dean wanted to fight with the angel. It just sort of happened.

He hated this, but he had been so frustrated lately, and, well, Cas was here.

"Things may be tough, but we have been through just as worse." Castiel didn't raise his voice, he never really did, but his voice had that commanding tone like he was still the Captain of the Garrison. "That doesn't mean that you should have been left in Hell."

"You can't even claim that when we don't even have a clue where the Darkness is or how to get rid of her!" Dean poured out his frustration, but he could barely control what he was saying anymore. Distantly though, he knew that these were things he would only ever say to Cas, not Sam. "Don't you get it, Cas? This whole crap fest, the Mark, the Apocalypse: this was my fault!"

"It wasn't!" Cas sternly countered. "Why do you have to blame yourself for everything?"

"Like you're any better! You blame things on yourself all the time!"

"When it is my fault! The war in Heaven, Leviathans, the Fall, and Metatron getting away were my fault! I freely admit that." Castiel admitted. "And I've been working to try to make up for that."

"It's because you're always trying to help that this happened, even way back then!" Dean shouted. "You know, sometimes I wish I had never met you!"

Cas's eyes widened just a bit and this time Dean saw and heard the sharp gasp. The angel practically flinched at his words, and it was the closest he had ever done so when he wasn't cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs. His reaction jerked the hunter back into the present.

It still took him a moment to realize what he had said. Instantly, the guilt flooded in. He didn't mean that. Once more, he had put his foot in his mouth and said something he hadn't meant, and to Cas of all people.

Castiel had had just as hard of a time lately than any of them, maybe even a bit more. He had his Grace stolen, nearly died from having the wrong Grace, and he was still recovering from Rowena's attack dog spell. Not to mention that Dean had nearly beat him to death, which they had yet to talk about.

They really needed to talk about that, but Dean couldn't bring himself to start the conversation just yet. And with what he had said now, things were getting worse between them.

Dean gulped and opened his mouth to say something, anything, to take back what he had said. Castiel beat him to it though as he straightened into the stance of a soldier.

"You don't mean that either." Cas's voice tried to be strong, but for a moment, just a moment, it wavered. He continued with a surer tone. "You are not angry at me, and I wish you would stop venting your frustrations on me."

The angel turned to leave, and Dean didn't even have it in him to stop him. The hunter placed his hands on table, unable to look at the departing angel due to guilt once more coursing through his veins. Cas really didn't need all this. However, Dean looked up as the angel stopped at the beginning of the passage heading towards the bedrooms from the library. Cas turned back towards him, and the hunter almost flinched at the pain mixed with compassion in them.

"I have never regretted meeting you. I have never regretted raising you from Hell. I regret many things I have done, but that is not one of them. It is probably the greatest thing I have ever done." Castiel raised his chin in defiance. "You claim things would have been better than this, and they wouldn't have been; things would be worse if I hadn't raised you. At the very least, for myself, I would still be part of Heaven, most likely continually being corrected by Naomi."

Dean winced. He had nearly forgotten about that bitch, and what she would do to Cas in order to "fix" him.

"I was never able to truly be myself, and stay myself, until I met you. I wouldn't be able to feel, be the real me so to speak." Castiel continued, and this was probably the longest the hunter had ever heard Castiel talk about himself. "I am grateful that I met you."

He looked away, and Dean found himself released from the angel's gaze that he hadn't even realized he had been captivated by as per usual. "So please do not say such things." Castiel finished, and with that he turned and walked away, not even giving Dean a chance to reply, much less apologize.

The hunter slumped into his chair, cursing softly. He rubbed his hand over his face.

He had screwed things up again, and he just kept doing that, especially lately. His words had hurt Cas and he didn't know what to do.

Dean hated this.

He hated this even more than the situation they found themselves in with the Darkness.

It wasn't too long before Sam walked in. He knew that his brother instantly took in his position at the table and the distinct lack of Cas, and he ignored the sigh and bitch face that was surely being directed at him.

"What did you do now?" Sam groused as he set Dean's cheeseburger and fries in front of him.

"Nothing." The older brother said defensively as he unwrapped the burger, and started to shove fries into his mouth.

"Right." The younger Winchester clearly didn't believe him. "Have you and Cas talked yet?" He gave him a look that said exactly what he had hoped they would talk about.

"There's nothing to talk about." Dean knew that was a lie, and he had even admitted it to himself before this. He wanted to talk to Cas, about everything, but as usual he just made things worse and they weren't talking at all. The two of them being on speaking terms was one of the things he had liked about being released from the Mark.

Sam sighed and, surprisingly, dropped the subject. He set his salad down before heading towards Cas's room, probably to try to offer him food or at least get him to come out. He returned alone, and he sent an even bigger bitch face at his brother.

Dean ignored him and continued to eat. However, he didn't bring up the lack of pie in what Sam had brought back, which normally he would have been all over.

It was a very quiet evening that followed, as no one in the Bunker felt like talking to each other.

* * *

The figure outside frowned at what he had heard. If he could enter the building uninvited (which he couldn't as it seemed to have a policy similar to those vampire myths), he would have gone in and given that mud monkey a piece of his mind.

Though frankly, he supposed that he should be thankful that he was nearby at all, so he could simply hear them. He couldn't even sense Castiel, and he didn't know if that was due to this place or if the angel had finally decided to get some wards for his own protection.

He had come back and it turned out that Dean and Castiel were still in the same old song and dance. They wouldn't tell each other things outright, though he admitted that Cas at least had come close, and due to that, they ended up missing each other and creating misunderstandings.

He hated the fact that Dean was once more hurting Cas, all because he couldn't think before he spoke.

Suddenly, a brilliant idea formed in his mind, inspired by Dean's words. A smirk grew on his face, and he knew exactly what he would have to do the next time the elder Winchester left the confines of the Bunker.

Dean wished that he had never met Castiel? Well, that could be arranged.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean grumbled as he walked his way through the store. He had made an exception last night because they had come back from a case yesterday morning, but he really did prefer buying groceries and actually cooking when they were home at the Bunker. After all, they had a kitchen now, they should use it.

Normally, he enjoyed going to the store, thinking up what he could make for his brother and friend. However, he wasn't in the greatest mood this time.

Cas was still acting prissy and had refused to leave his room. He claimed he was searching for Metatron by using Dean's instructions to locate his car, but he could have done that just as well from the library. In other words, Cas was probably sulking, which Dean hadn't seen since the last time the angel was losing his powers. Either that or he was binging on Netflix again in an attempt to improve his mood.

Dean sighed as he headed towards the bakery section to pick up some pie. He knew he really had no right to be pissed. After all, Cas was justified in being upset and this was his fault in the first place. Still, it was irritating. Hopefully, some pie would fix that.

It didn't really occur to him at first that the grocery store was not as busy as it should have been. After all, it was a weekend which was prime shopping time. Still, the longer he stayed in the store, more people were being filtered out. Yet the lack of people went unnoticed by him, right up until he went to the cash register and found it completely empty.

Taking a look around, he finally saw that he was probably the only person in the store and he cursed, reaching for his gun in his waistband and pulling it out. He began to take a look around, abandoning the groceries at the check-out counter. He should have noticed. Dean had been in the game way too long to not have noticed that something was off.

Unless something had purposely made it so he wouldn't notice.

A chill went up his spin as he cautiously looked down each aisle, his gun at the ready before him. It wasn't from any supernatural sense, at least not yet, but stores were just creepy when they didn't have any people. Also, whatever had done this had to have some serious mojo to cover up the fact that he was alone.

Obviously, Dean was the target here. He never liked it when the tables turned and he was the one being hunted.

There was a crash near the entrance, nearly causing Dean to jump out of his skin. He whirled towards it, gun at the ready, but he blinked as he could still see no signs of anyone.

The hunter cautiously approached the front entrance, ready for anything. However, he couldn't help but blink as he took in the sight of the sliding glass doors. His arms lowered a tiny bit in surprise.

On the door was a symbol, written in what appeared to be blood. He stepped closer trying to get a better look at it. Once he got a clear look, he couldn't help but jerk back.

He recognized that symbol.

Before he could do anything else, there was suddenly a giant force at his back, propelling him into the door. Dean tried to brace himself against it, tried to get a look at what was doing this, but it was too strong.

The symbol glowed red as he careened towards the glass.

"Son of a bitch!" Dean yelled as he crashed through the glass.

There was a sense of disorientation, of displacement as he headed towards the ground on the other side, but it was quickly gone as shards of glass fell around him.

He ducked and rolled as he hit the ground, immediately bringing his gun up in case of anything.

But there was nothing there.

It took Dean a moment to stand down though as he breathed hard, adrenaline pumping through his system. Still, as nothing continued to happen, he lowered his arm and sighed.

Tucking his gun back into its place, he continued to take a cautious look around, especially on the lookout for any cameras.

After all, the last time Dean had seen that symbol, he and his brother had been catapulted into a universe where magic, angels, and demons didn't exist, but their lives were a freaking TV show. And people thought that they were actors.

Not a good memory by any means.

However, this didn't seem to be that universe, so maybe things were okay.

Then Dean turned back to look at the grocery store, and he couldn't help but flinch.

Quite frankly, he was surprised that the doors had been intact enough for him to break through. The place looked abandoned, weeds and plants already crawling up the sides and bleeding through the cracks in the walls. Not only that, but it seemed as though someone had ransacked it at some point, because most of the windows along where the doors had been were broken as well and he could just barely see toppled over shelves.

That was not normal and definitely not good.

"Son of a bitch…" Dean muttered taking a look around and then up at a perpetually cloudy sky. It almost looked like it was seething and pulsing, but the gray didn't let up. "What the hell is going on?"

The only thing he could really do was some old fashioned investigation, so Dean headed towards town. Maybe he could at least find a car to hotwire and get back to the Bunker.

It was eerie. As he walked down familiar streets past places he had driven by dozens of times, the hunter still saw very few signs of life. It was like the whole place had been evacuated and in a hurry, too.

He really didn't like it. It reminded him all too much of a certain future that a certain dick angel had sent him to.

Come to think of it, Dean didn't even know what the date was. Heck, he didn't even know if this place was even remotely like the universe he had just left. What if the Bunker didn't even exist?

_Calm down_. He silently ordered, getting a grip on himself. A panicking hunter was a dead hunter, and he had no plans for taking the eternal nap. He had way too much on his plate, and he was going to get home.

First, he had to figure out where and when he was.

Finally, Dean came across a car. It was a beat-up Toyota truck, but it was better than nothing. With some creative hotwiring, the pick-up spluttered to life. With a glance at the gas gauge, Dean saw that he wouldn't get more than a single trip out of this, so he quickly drove off in the direction of the Bunker.

He had actually decided to shop in Lebanon that day, as they usually rotated where they bought groceries to prevent their movements from being tracked, so it wasn't long before he was pulling up the drive towards home. He stopped in front of the door and got out.

It was at least a small relief that he was in a universe like his own. After all, the Bunker was still standing so hopefully this would be where he'd find the others, even if it was a different version.

Dean pulled out his copy of the key. They usually kept the original key, the one their grandfather had handed to them with his dying breath, inside the Bunker, but he and Sam had found a guy who wouldn't screw them over to make three copies. Only he, Sam, and Cas owned these, so he knew that the Bunker was the safest place he could start. With a twist of the key, the door was unlocked and creaking open.

The moment he entered, Dean couldn't help but frown. He could practically see the dust in the air, and he was reminded of when they had first found the Men of Letters' base. The hunter waved a hand through the haze and made his way down the staircase, gazing into the darkened rooms.

"Sam?" He called out. His footsteps were muffled as he walked over to where the main switch was. "Cas?"

No response.

Hands in front of him like he was blind, Dean found the power switch and turned everything on.

As the lights flickered to life, Dean's heart sunk to his feet as he took in the sight of what he had come to think of as his home.

It didn't just remind him of when he and his brother found it, it looked exactly like it. Dust covered all of the surfaces, and he had left a trail of footsteps behind him. Cobwebs covered the fixtures and the books and weapons were placed meticulously on shelves. It looked like no one had stepped inside, much less lived, there in years.

Sam and Cas weren't here.

His home was as empty of life as a tomb.

Most likely, none of them had ever heard of this place at all.

"Shit." Dean looked around the empty library. He had been hoping that he would find them here, or at least a clue of where they were. He had been hoping to find someone at least to tell him when and what sort of universe he was in.

For some reason, his argument with Cas started to creep into his mind. He pushed it away, because why would he even be thinking about that right now? Even though this was where they had argued, and where, not even a month ago, he had almost beaten Cas to –

"Stop it." He told himself, shaking his head. Dean had no clue why he was thinking about it, but it had no bearing on his situation at the moment. He had to figure out what the hell was going on, and he needed to know sooner rather than later.

The hunter sunk into one of the library chairs, ignoring the dust for a moment, and tried to think.

Sam and Cas weren't here, so the next logical step would be to try to call them.

Dean pulled out his cell phone and frowned at it. _No bars._ He thought to himself. That was weird as, despite being underground, they had never had an issue with their cell phones as long as the Bunker wasn't on lockdown.

He tucked his phone away, and got up, moving back towards the exit.

The Bunker wasn't going to help him, so there was no point in staying. Besides, without the others here, it just felt weird. He'd siphon some gas into the truck and start driving until he got a phone signal. Still, he made sure to lock the door behind him. After all, the people in this universe might need the place someday.

Dean sighed as he drove off. "Man, it's times like these that I wish that Bobby – " He began to mutter to himself, and then he abruptly stopped.

After all, if this was a different universe than maybe…

Dean found a different abandoned car, and set up the siphon to fill up the truck. He still wasn't getting a signal, but there was a pay phone nearby and it had a dial tone when he picked up the receiver.

With some strokes on the keypad, Dean typed in a number that he easily remembered after all these years.

He couldn't help jumping a bit as the phone actually rang, and he couldn't help the sharp gasp and the prickling in his eyes as a familiar voice came down the line.

"Hello?" It asked gruffly, sounding slightly annoyed as always.

"Bobby?" Dean asked, welcoming the sound of the man who was practically a father to him.

Somehow, just hearing it made it feel like things were going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Yeah, go ahead and think that, Dean. Anyway, here's the next bit, so I hope you enjoy it. Sorry this is taking so long. Still, I just love bringing Bobby back. I still wonder what happened to him after the angels showed up for him last season. I'm praying that Ash managed to break him out of where the angels placed him so he's sipping beer in The Roadhouse. Any guesses on who our mystery angel is yet?


	3. Chapter 3

"Yeah? Who's asking?" The older hunter sounded as surly as usual, and that was a big relief to Dean.

The world could be ending, but Bobby was grumpy so it couldn't be too bad.

"It's me." Dean replied, forgetting where he was for a moment.

"Me who?"

"Dean."

_Click!_

Dean stood there for a moment, listening to the dial tone ringing in his ear. He brought the phone away from his ear and stared at it. Then, his situation came back to him.

He probably should have expected that.

He sighed and hung up the phone, running his hand through his hair. He would've done the same thing in Bobby's situation. He was in a parallel universe that probably already had a Dean, who Bobby knew the location of, so having a different Dean call up would lead to the natural reaction of hanging up on him.

Bobby probably thought it was a trick of some sort.

Dean leaned against the side of the phone booth and sighed again. Bobby's reaction didn't exactly help him at the moment.

Well, not quite. Now Dean at least had a destination in mind.

The hunter walked over to the truck and checked on the siphon. From what he could tell, it was filled as much as it could be. He took it down and got back into the cab. He felt a bit excited, despite the circumstances, because he would get to see Bobby again. Unlike his brother, he hadn't seen the older hunter since he had decided to pass on.

Plus, with Bobby, he was sure to get some answers.

He settled in and started driving in the familiar path to Bobby's house. It seemed like he had driven there from every route possible. He could probably find his way there with his eyes closed, even though he hadn't been there in years.

It wasn't a super long drive between Lebanon and Souix Falls, but he still had to stop once to siphon more gas into the truck.

However, despite the excitement of seeing Bobby, Dean grew more and more unsettled. Everywhere he went, there were still very few signs of other people. The towns looked like they'd been evacuated, cars were abandoned, and an empty feeling pervaded everything.

There weren't even any cars on the road as far as he could see, at least, none that had people and were up and running.

It reminded him more and more of the future he had been sent to by Zachariah.

The clouds above never let up for a moment.

Dean didn't like this at all.

Eventually, Dean finally pulled up to that familiar salvage yard. He parked and looked up at that old house. He couldn't hold back his smile. It felt good to see it erect instead of a burnt out husk. Also, for the first time since he'd arrived, he could actually see signs of life.

Here, at least, he could see the lights on.

Still, he approached the house cautiously. It certainly had sounded like Bobby on the phone, but the lack of people on his way up had made his paranoia go up by about ten levels. That's why he drew his gun and kept it at the ready at his side, though he didn't raise it. After all, given the way things were, he wouldn't be surprised if Bobby was trigger happy.

Bobby was already going to be on guard with encountering a second Dean, he didn't need to make himself look more threatening.

He walked up those familiar steps and slowly walked to the door. With a tentative hand, he reached forward to knock on the door.

It took a moment, but before long, Dean could hear the familiar thumps of someone coming to the door, accompanied but the cantankerous grumblings he had so missed. The hunter frowned as he heard the sound of multiple locks, not the normal, single deadbolt, being undone.

"Well, I'd ask where you'd been but – " Bobby was scolding right as he opened the door, obviously expecting someone else, and Dean was so glad to see him. The elderly hunter looked the same as he always did, with an almost permanent scowl on his face and his trucker hat in its place on top of his head. However, he stopped talking as he got a good look at Dean.

Bobby's eyes narrowed. His body filled the doorway in order to stop Dean from getting any further.

Before his surrogate father could say anything, Dean decided to jump in. "So I know this is gonna sound weird." He held up his hands in surrender, but he couldn't stop the smile on his face. _Bobby's alive!_ "But really – "

_Splash!_

Dean blinked water out of his eyes as Bobby had thrown holy water in his face. "Hey! Not a demon!" He said, defiantly, but the older hunter had already grabbed his wrist, yanked him indoors, and was running a silver knife along his arm. "Ow! Not a shapeshifter either." Dean jerked in surprise; he'd forgotten how strong Bobby could be.

"Then I don't know what the hell you are." Bobby growled, suspicion all over his face. "Because you sure as hell ain't Dean." With a twist, he forced Dean's arm behind his back and had pinned him to the ground.

Seriously, Dean didn't remember him being this strong. Was he just getting old or was something else going on?

"Well, it's complicated." Dean grunted from his position on the floor. "I'm Dean, but I'm not. I kinda called earlier?"

"That was you?" He heard Bobby snort, but he couldn't see him as the older man was behind him. "Shoulda known." He grumbled.

"Yeah, well, if you let me up, I could explain."

"Sorry, but until I know what you are, that's not going to happen." Dean frowned as he heard a clattering sound, like Bobby was searching for something, though the weight on him never let up.

He realized what the older hunter was grabbing though as a blunt weapon hit him in the head, and Dean sank into unconsciousness from the force of Bobby's frying pan.

* * *

It was the whispers that woke him up.

"So technically, he is Dean." Bobby still sounded a tad incredulous.

"Yes, he is Dean, but one from a parallel universe." A voice with a British accent replied. It wasn't Crowley's voice, but it still seemed familiar to the hunter. "And not just from a parallel universe, but from the future, too. After all, he's older than he should be."

"Well, what's he doing here?" Bobby groused, and Dean just knew he had his arms crossed and was leveling a glare at him.

As Dean gained more awareness, he realized that he was tied up in what felt like one of the kitchen chairs. The clanging echoes around him and the slight whoosh of a fan told him that he was probably in the panic room. Man, he had missed that place.

The voice chuckled. "From what you told me, he was trying to explain." There was a small clank as a glass was put down. "Let's ask him now, why don't we?" Dean could just tell that the guy was smirking.

Wait a minute… Smarmy, British accent, apparent ability to tell when someone wasn't from around here, and that smirk…

The puzzle pieces came together in Dean's mind.

"Wake up, sunshine." The voice said sarcastically, suddenly a lot closer than a moment before.

With that lovely quip, Dean found himself blinking his eyes open and viewing the latest addition to Bobby's gang apparently. He didn't know whether to be disappointed or happy as he realized that his guess was right and saw another person he hadn't seen in ages.

It was Balthazar.

The angel appeared a lot like how he remembered him. He still wore that low v-neck shirt with his jacket and tight pants. His expression was the same as usual, in that it said he was already 100% done with whatever was about to come out of Dean's mouth. He looked a bit tired and rundown though, with slight shadows under his eyes. Otherwise, he was the unchanged.

"Balthazar." Dean greeted.

The blonde's eyebrows rose. "So you know me?" He seemed a bit surprised.

"Hard to forget a shirt like that." Dean twisted his face in disgust at it. Seriously, what kind of douchebag wore that kind of shirt?

Bobby snorted behind the angel, but Balthazar's expression just became more annoyed. "As enlightening as always." He leaned away from the hunter. "But I think that we both know who's not supposed to be here."

Dean glared at him. After all, there wasn't much to say against that.

Actually, there was.

"So? What the hell is going on here? What – " The hunter cut off as a scolding finger was pointed at his face.

"Quiet, Winchester. As you're the interloper, _I_ get to ask _you_ the questions." Balthazar fully straightened, getting serious. "What year are you from?"

"2015." Dean answered easily, and he frowned as Bobby almost choked on his beer and the angel raised his eyebrow once more. "What?"

"Interesting." Balthazar mumbled, almost to himself. "This doesn't bode well for us." A flash of sadness crossed his face for a moment before he returned to normal.

"What?"

"Next question." The angel abruptly changed the subject, coming back to the matter at hand. "How did you get here?"

"It was a spell." Dean figured that he should comply with these questions. These guys might be his only chance back after all. "I don't know what it's called and I don't know who did it this time, but one time the Balthazar of our universe used it to send my brother and I to a world where our life is a TV show."

The hunter couldn't help but notice the jolt that seemed to go through Bobby when he mentioned his brother. The older hunter looked away and refused to meet his eyes.

"Ah, yes, that spell…" Balthazar had a contemplative look on his face. "Very well, I understand what happened now." With a snap of his fingers, the ropes fell away. The angel then picked up his tumbler from where it sat on the table and walked out of the panic room.

"Sure that's safe?" Bobby asked, following him. Dean tried to not feel too upset by his question as he stood from the chair and rubbed his wrists where the ropes had been. He'd seen enough weird stuff during his time here to warrant such suspicion.

"It sounds like someone purposefully sent him here, but he's not a threat so it's fine." The angel reassured him. To himself, he muttered, "The worrying part is that, with that particular spell, he was sent here."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Dean asked as they entered the kitchen. "And seriously, what's going on here?" He gestured to the window, which was a lot more fortified than he remembered or had even noticed when he came up. "Seriously, everything's deserted, there's barely any signs of life, and the sky's churning like it's really gross looking ice cream."

Bobby and Balthazar shared a glance, and it irked the hunter. "Listen, I answered your questions; why don't you answer mine?"

"Well, for starters," Bobby said as Balthazar went to pour himself a drink, "for us, it's 2010."

Dean jerked. "What?" He looked between them. "You're joking, right?"

"We're not, and that's part of what's worrying." The angel rejoined them. "That spell should have sent you to the same time, only in this universe and not yours." Both Dean and Bobby threw him an odd glance as that clearly didn't happen. "If it didn't do that, then, well," he shrugged, "it means that this is the closest date it could send you to where things still exist."

"What does that mean?" Dean couldn't help but be confused. It sent him to the closest date where things still existed? That would mean…

"What's coming next week?" Bobby asked grimly, apparently understanding what the angel was saying.

"Yes." Balthazar nodded to Bobby, before turning his attention to Dean. "Within a week, an event will take place that will determine the fate of the world. If our side loses…" He trailed off, looking as grim as Bobby. "Well, no matter which side loses, the world is toast either way."

"But what's going on?" Dean demanded, fed up with the run around.

"I thought maybe something similar had happened to you, but perhaps not." Balthazar mused and took a mouthful of his drink. He set it down and looked Dean in the eye, his voice and stance grave. "It's the end of the world, the Apocalypse."

Something inside Dean seized. "You mean the one with Lucifer?" He asked slowly, but he could already feel his heartbeat increasing it pounding.

_No. No. No. No._

The two opposite him slowly nodded, eyeing him warily. "Is there another kind?" Balthazar asked, a bit of puzzlement in his voice.

Dear God, these people had no idea.

Dean didn't answer but turned to look out the window. He remembered that first day after Lucifer had been released, and he remembered that last day before Sam had taken a one-way ticket to the Cage. The sky had looked exactly like it currently did out there.

Again, he was reminded of that desperate future. The sky had looked like that there too.

"What's going on?" Dean didn't turn around; he couldn't. He was almost surprised at the tension running through his veins after all that had transpired since.

"It's been divided into three fronts." Bobby gruffly said, somehow sensing, like he could with either Winchester boy, what was needed. "You've got Heaven, you've got Hell, and you've got us."

"Quite a few angels defected after we learned what was really going on, what our superiors were doing. We have guided all the humans currently still around to camps for shelter and have at least a few of our number at each camp to protect them from what's going on." Balthazar chuckled, bitterly. Personally, Dean was surprised to hear that angels were actually protecting humans from being collateral. He could count on one hand the angels he had met who would even think of doing that. "I guess you could say we were inspired by one of our brethren; we fight in his honor." He threw back the remains of his drink and poured himself another.

Despite knowing how much it would take to get an angel drunk, it kind of worried Dean how much the angel was drinking. Balthazar had always seemed to enjoy drinking, but now it seemed like the angel _needed_ to.

"Gabriel heard on the grapevine what happened. He's leading us now and trying to protect humanity. I was just shocked he was alive." Balthazar continued as though nothing was wrong. His voice was oddly flat. "Then again, our favorite brother was gone." He said so quietly that Dean barely heard him.

Not that Dean was really paying attention after Gabriel was mentioned. Because there was one thing bothering him. Apocalypse going on, angels rebelling to fight and protect humanity… It seemed like one thing was missing from what he had heard.

"Where's Cas then?" Dean turned around to them, brow furrowed in confusion.

Balthazar tilted his head a bit while Bobby just frowned at him in returned puzzlement. "Who?"

Dean blinked. What was going on? "Cas?" He glanced between them but there was no recognition in their eyes. "Angel? Rebelling is kinda his thing?" He gestured his hand to make his point.

Balthazar looked close to realizing who he was talking about. Seriously, had Dean not given the guy his nick name yet?

"Castiel?" He asked.

The reaction was instantaneous. The hunter grunted as Balthazar roughly shoved him into the wall. Righteous wrath burned in his eyes. "How do you know that name?" He demanded. "You don't even have the right to speak his name. How do you know it?!" He gave Dean a shake to make his point.

"What do you mean how do I know it?!" Dean couldn't help but shoot back. He never knew when he shouldn't cross a line, and Balthazar was in a dangerous place at the moment with the hunter in his crosshairs. "He's the one who raised me from Hell; of course, I know it!"

Balthazar just stared at him in shock, and Dean was surprised at the emotions he could see swirling in those wide, blue eyes: anger, surprise, pain, and what looked a lot like sadness. The angel dropped Dean, and the hunter's legs shuddered a bit from dropping those couple of inches back down.

Balthazar though was backing away a few steps, still staring at Dean. He then seemed to sense something as he glanced at Dean's shoulder, the left one where Cas had "gripped him tight." His hand stretched out and hovered over it for a minute. His eyes went even wider, if possible, and he backed up until he hit the table.

Dean just stared right back at him the whole time, only looking away to watch that hand over his shoulder. He was breathing heavily from the shot of adrenaline Balthazar's attack had given him, but mostly he felt confused.

Balthazar was one of the most self-assured angels he had ever met. Okay, basically all of them were like that, sure that they were in the right, with Castiel seeming to be the exception most times. Balthazar though…

He was confident and smug. He stood up to Raphael and Fate with a cocky smirk and a careless attitude. He didn't care about others really, though he had a bit of a soft spot for Cas. He had raised the Titanic just because he hated Celine Dion for God's sake!

This complete and utter shattering that he saw before him though, Dean would have thought that Balthazar was incapable of it. It was completely out of character.

It begged the question: why had Balthazar reacted so strongly to Dean simply saying Cas's name?

"He did it." Both Dean and Bobby had to lean forward to catch those words from the angel. "That's where these timelines diverge. He did it." Balthazar leaned heavily against the table and looked down at his hands.

Dean glanced at Bobby, because he had no clue what to do. The older hunter rolled his eyes at Dean's emotional inadequacy and stepped forward.

"Balthazar?" Bobby asked as gently as he could, which still had a gruff quality to it. "Who's Castiel? I've never heard you mention him before."

Dean looked at Bobby in alarm. How could Bobby have never heard of him?

"Castiel is…" Balthazar trailed off before seeming to gather himself together. He straightened. "You remember that I mention that we were inspired by one of our brethren? That we fight in his honor?" The angel turned away, picking his glass off the table and studying it.

"Yeah…" Something sat heavy in the pit of Dean's stomach. He didn't like it. "What's that got to do with anything? Where's Cas?"

Balthazar turned around, his eyes and voice as emotionless as any angelic soldiers'.

"Castiel is dead." He said, downing the entire glass in one shot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Bit long, but I wanted to end with that line. I feel kinda bad about this, since Cas has been having such a hard time lately in the show, but I just couldn't let this story go. Although I have decided to change the ending a bit. I was going to have them saying that they'll have their talk soon, after they find Metatron, because I thought they were going to talk about 10x22 in 11x06. However, they didn't have the resolution discussion. Jensen had hinted they had, but if it was filmed, it was cut. Which just pisses me off. I was going to say something about it last time, but now with the added blow of not even having a decent explanation of what Cas is doing and where he is, I can't help but rant about it now. Is it so hard for the writers to freaking appreciate Cas and his importance?
> 
> So yeah, here's the next part.


	4. Chapter 4

_Castiel is dead._

It seemed like the entire world stopped for a moment. All Dean could do was stare dumbly at Balthazar.

_Castiel is dead._

The words just weren't computing in his brain.

After all, how could that be? Sure, Castiel had died quite a few times where he came from, but the angel always returned. There had been that one time, after the Leviathans, that Dean had been sure that he wasn't going to come back, but the Big Man had still brought him back.

So even if Cas was dead, that wasn't really an explanation as to why he wasn't here.

"Dean?" He heard Bobby's voice and felt a gentle hand on his elbow. He blinked and saw Bobby standing next to him, giving him a worried look as he held his elbow.

Dean took a shuddering breath and ran his fingers through his hair. "So what, God decided not to bring him back?"

Balthazar looked up from where he was pouring yet another drink. "Beg pardon?" He asked, appearing confused.

"Cas, I mean," Dean leaned against the counter as he seemed to be a bit dizzy. Probably because he couldn't remember if he'd even eaten since he got here. "God didn't bring him back after Raphael went – " He splayed out his hands a bit to indicate an explosion.

Balthazar just continued to stare at him, and he actually put the bottle down. "What on Earth are you talking about, Winchester?" He scrunched his nose. "And what on Earth does Raphael have to do with anything?"

"Well, it's the middle of the Apocalypse." Dean waved towards the windows. "So, by this point, the only time he's died is from when he realized what was going on and he tried to stop Raphael from stopping me from stopping Sam. Raphael smote him, but he came back because God wanted him to."

Both Bobby and the angel were staring openly at him now. It made him uncomfortable and want to squirm, but Balthazar's words from earlier still held him in place.

_Castiel is dead? That can't be possible_.

"Is that how things went in your universe?" Balthazar asked gently, and the hunter couldn't help starting a bit. Balthazar was many things, but gentle wasn't one of them. The angel chuckled and picked his glass and bottle up. "Though, I can't help but worry over the fact that you seem to be implying that Cassie has died multiple times where you're from."

Dean found that he couldn't look the angel in the eye at that. Cas dying was only the tip of the ice burg after all. It didn't even begin to include all of the torture, beatings, and near-death experiences the angel had undergone.

Then, the words sunk in.

"What do you mean that's how things went in _my_ universe?" Dean asked. "You mean, that's not what happened here?"

"No." Bobby was the one to reply. "Dean, I'm thinking you might want to sit down." He tugged on the Winchester's arm to try to get him over to the kitchen table.

Dean shrugged him off. "What happened?" He demanded, trying to glare an answer out of the angel.

Balthazar flopped down into a chair. He sighed and rubbed his forehead like he was developing a headache. "How much do you know?" He asked quietly.

"Nothing! You haven't told me anything!" Dean snapped, starting to get pissed off.

Balthazar threw him that look that said that the human was being particularly dense. "I meant," he emphasized, "how much do you know about how you were raised?"

"Well…" Dean stopped as he was drawing a blank. "Not much." He admitted sheepishly. "Just that Cas was the one who dragged me out."

"Then, I'll have to start from the beginning." Balthazar grumbled. He took a sip and looked off into the distance, seeing events that had already past. "The siege on Hell began almost as soon as you were dragged down. However, it was fishy from the get-go. They refused to let anyone going down to have any of the Heavenly Weapons, which meant that the assault would be prolonged. I went to Castiel with my concerns, and I could tell that it worried him, too, but we had our orders. I normally would not be involved in such violence, as it wasn't my job, but I joined Castiel's Garrison to keep an eye on him."

Dean stared. He had never heard anything about this. Cas never mentioned it. If things were the same in his universe, then that meant that the angel had been in Hell as long as Dean had been.

Something in him twisted at that.

Balthazar was continuing his tale. "We lost many, and when we had been there for 30 years, with the Racks just in sight…" His gaze landed directly on the hunter. "You broke."

Dean gulped but was surprised at how little he felt about that fact, especially when it had originally caused him such agony. Before the other day, he had actually barely thought about it in ages.

What did it say about his life that he had so many things to feel guilty about that breaking in Hell was merely a drop in the bucket? That he had done things in more recent history that, in a way, were even worse than breaking in Hell?

A flash of Castiel, broken and bloody on the Bunker floor, crashed through his mind before he could suppress it.

The hunter caught a small movement from the corner of his eyes, and he was surprised, upon looking down, that his hands were shaking. He quickly crossed his arms to hide the fact.

Balthazar seemed to catch it though. "So that happened to you as well." He said aloud, assuming the wrong thing, but Dean wasn't going to correct him. He moved on. "Well, at that point, we were ordered to retreat, regroup and start all over again." The angel chuckled at Dean's incredulous expression. "Yes, it was so weird to be told to go back when we were so close, but quite frankly, we were all happy to leave and quickly made to follow the order." His expression darkened and he took a large gulp of his drink. "Except for Castiel.

"I remember I noticed he wasn't following, and when I turned around, he was looking at the Racks with this odd expression, like he could hear something none of the rest of us could hear…" Balthazar's voice trailed off for a moment. "Then, he asked if he could stay."

Dean could feel his jaw drop. They were told to leave, but Cas wanted to stay? What the Hell?

"That was my reaction." The angel nodded in response to Dean. "He said that he would find you, as that would make it easier for reinforcements to help raise you. And our superiors granted him permission, though I remember that they had to explicitly tell him to only raise you when 'the time was right.'" Balthazar snorted. "I get the feeling that Cassie probably would have ignored that as it turns out the higher up's definition of the right time is way off."

Dean face scrunched in confusion, as this part was kind of going over his head. After all, Cas had raised him when he did because he was told to, right? Back then, Castiel had been all about following orders.

Balthazar was staring into the bottom of his glass, but made no move to pour himself another for once. "That was the last time I saw Castiel." He said quietly. "He said he'd be fine." The angel's hand fell over his eyes as he visibly had to keep his emotions in check. His grief was almost palpable in the air.

He let it go on for a moment, but the Dean cleared his throat. "So what happened?" He asked when the angel finally looked at him.

Balthazar looked away. "He came so close. Apparently, he got all the way to the Racks and it only took him just under a decade. Then his luck ran out. He met an ancient one, Belphegor. It was stupid of him to even engage him!" He hissed out slamming his glass down, startling both Dean and Bobby. "Castiel was just a normal angel even if he was the Captain. A demon like Belphegor shouldn't be challenged even up here!" He glared out in the distance.

"So this Bell guy killed him?" Dean guessed.

"I wish that were the case." Balthazar rubbed his forehead again, closing his eyes.

"You wish?" Bobby asked, speaking for the first time since the angel had started explaining. "Why, what happened?"

"As you might have guessed, Castiel lost, but Belphegor didn't kill him. No, that would have been too much of a mercy." Balthazar's voice went flat as he again tried to suppress his emotions. "Instead, he knocked Castiel out and handed him over to Alistair."

It was like a bucket of cold water was dumped over Dean's head. Ice filled his veins, and he found himself white-knuckling the counter just to keep himself upright. "No." His voice was barely audible.

"Oh, yes. You of all people can guess what happened to Castiel next." Balthazar picked up and tipped the bottle on the table, giving himself his largest portion yet.

Distantly, the hunter knew that Bobby was leading him to a chair so he wouldn't fall over on the floor, but he wasn't even aware of that at that moment.

All he could think of was what Alistair had done to him. How the demon had torn into him, taken him to pieces again and again both with his tools and his words, made it so Dean had wished that he could just die again so he wouldn't have to undergo such agony, and then fixed him just so he could start all over. He remembered how he had been offered a choice everyday, and how one day it had just been too much that he had given in, said yes, and picked up the knife himself.

Then, all he could think of was that happening to Castiel.

Dean didn't realize that he was going to vomit until he was tossing his cookies into the trash can Bobby was holding up to him. The old hunter had probably seen the signs and picked it up. Still, he couldn't bring himself to be grateful as he finally finished and breathed heavily over it.

"Indeed." Balthazar said dryly.

Dean wiped his mouth and sat up. "So did Alistair… did he…"

Balthazar gave a sharp nod, throwing back his drink. "Apparently, Castiel managed to last well over a century without breaking. Alistair was frustrated and went too far one day; Castiel died on the rack."

The hunter took in a deep, shuddering breath. He wasn't going to help anyone if he lost it again. He blinked though as a thought occurred to him. "How do you know what happened?"

The angel snorted again. "Bloody bragged about it when we finally got there, and one of the first things he did was saw off Castiel's wings." Balthazar shuddered, and Dean could almost sense how he pulled his own wings closer. "He had them up on the wall like a bloody trophy."

Rage sizzled through Dean for a moment. _How dare he? To do that to Cas, to injure him in such a way…_ The hunter knew that the loss of his wings was one of the biggest hits Cas had taken since the Fall. Even getting his Grace back hadn't restored them. Sure, he had his wings back, but they were too broken to fly on. "Is he dead?" He growled at Balthazar.

"Killed him myself."

"Good." Dean nodded. He frowned though as there were still some things not adding up. "Wait, if Cas was tortured for well over a century, then how long did it take for you guys to find and raise me?"

Balthazar looked a tad bit sheepish. "Well, by the time we regrouped, did the siege all over, and got to you – it had been a bit more than a year, Earth time." His expression then darkened again. "I said we should have used the Heavenly Weapons, but apparently, that was the 'right time' that the higher ups had been talking about."

Dean stared at him, and he felt a flash of sympathy for the him from this universe. After all, he had only had to experience a decade of that special hell of having to torture people, especially as he had found that he had liked it in a way.

"I see." The hunter accepted that before his mind went back to Cas. "So why did Cas dying inspire you?" He couldn't help but ask. After all, while to him his angel dying by Alistair's hand on the rack was devastating, he wouldn't think that most angels would care about it one way or another. Only a few, like Balthazar and Gabriel, had ever even shown concern for Cas in the first place.

Shouldn't most have just written it off as him falling in the line of duty and continued on?

"Castiel was as envied as he was admired for being able to rise through the ranks to captain so fast, but most at least respected him among us foot soldiers." Balthazar explained hotly. "It was a combination of several things actually. Castiel's fate, learning that we hadn't really been fighting to prevent the Apocalypse but help it along, and the reaction of the higher ups to Cassie's fate." He eyed him warily. "Ever met Zachariah?"

Dean scowled. "What did that dickbag do?"

"Apparently you have." Balthazar seemed faintly amused before he sobered up again. "Well, upon hearing that Castiel was dead, he said," he took a big gulp, "'Good. Never really followed orders anyway. We should have gotten rid of that broken thing millennia ago.'"

Dean's hand twitched in the sudden urge to stab that guy in the face. Again. Getting to kill him in his own universe suddenly wasn't enough.

The angel noticed. "I managed to get a hit in, but he's still around." He sounded upset at that, and Dean didn't blame him. "However, all of these things were real eye-opening to us all. Especially as we realized that we had been lied to and Daddy dearest wasn't here anymore." His voice turned bitter at the mention of God.

"So many of us rebelled. We chose to protect the humans that Castiel had always care about. We fight to try to stop this with as little death as possible." Balthazar finished off yet another glass. "It was touch and go at first, but things have gotten better since Gabriel joined our side. The little sheep who were most likely to betray us and run back to the flock are more reassured with being under the command of an archangel."

"Well, that's great." And Dean genuinely meant that. It didn't stop the ache he already felt over the death of this place's Cas, but he knew that for these guys, fighting in his honor was the only comfort they were going to get.

Especially as it seemed God was being a bigger dick than normal and not bringing him back to life.

"Thanks for telling us." Bobby said gruffly, and he gave Balthazar a pat on the shoulder while handing him a new bottle of scotch. "I'm sure it must have been tough, and I understand why you didn't mention him before."

"Thanks." Balthazar took the new bottle and cracked right into it. "Still, you can understand my reaction now, right? As to why you knew his name?" He was looking at Dean as he said this, and the hunter frowned at him, not quite getting the point.

The angel picked up on it. "Well, in this universe, you and Castiel never even met. There was no reason why you would know who he was, much less know his name." He looked into the distance, seeming contemplative. "Though Alistair mentioned that he regretted not letting you taking a crack at him. Apparently, Castiel held onto the belief that you could still be saved all the way until the end."

Dean didn't catch that second part though. He was too absorbed in what Balthazar had first said, the words echoing in his head.

_In this universe, you and Castiel never even met._

They were soon joined with another sentence.

_Sometimes I wish I had never met you!_

Realization flooded him. _Son of a bitch!_

It was his fault that he was here. Someone or something had overheard him, and he really should have known better to not only say something like that to Cas, but also to say something like that out loud. You could never be sure who was listening.

Dean should have learned his lesson from their encounter with Veritas.

The three of them fell into silence. Bobby and the angel had nothing more to say on the topic, and Dean was sinking down into a funk as he realized this latest incident was his fault. Balthazar finally deigned to share the alcohol and poured glasses for the two humans. They just sat there drinking in the alcohol and each other's presence as there wasn't much else to say.

Until Dean did have something to say.

"So," he said conversationally, wanting to get his mind off Cas, "where are me and Sam? Hunting down clues to try to kill or toss Lucifer back into the Cage?"

_Crash!_

Dean looked at the shattered glass on the floor, and then he looked back up at Bobby. This time it was the old hunter who was visibly affected by his words, as it looked like all the blood had drained from his face. Remembering that jolt when he had mentioned Sam earlier, Dean couldn't help but wonder if he'd inadvertently put his foot in his mouth once more.

Even Balthazar was staring at him like he couldn't believe him. He did glance down for a moment though as he waved a hand and the glass became whole once more. Then, he looked right back up. "You don't know?" He asked.

Dean glanced between them. "Know what?" Seriously, why did these people keep expecting him to know what was going on in _their_ universe?

Bobby picked up the broken glass and took it over to the sink. The Winchester took in the shaking hands, and wondered what was wrong.

"Dean…" Bobby said, softly. "Sam said, yes."

For the second time in less than an hour, Dean's heart stopped.

"No." He denied, looking between the two, but Bobby still wouldn't turn around to look at him, and even Balthazar was looking away. "You mean…" He glanced out the windows at the churning clouds.

"Yes, my brother is currently wearing yours like a Sunday suit." Balthazar said with very little compassion, and the hunter glared at him, almost happy he had spoken up. At least he would feel less guilty about getting mad at the angel than Bobby.

"But it's too soon." Dean insisted. "From the sounds of it, you guys don't really have much of a clue to get rid of Lucifer. Why would Sam have said yes?"

He couldn't handle it. It turns out he doesn't have his angel in this universe, but to find out he didn't even have his brother to lean on?

Dear God, this place sucked.

And to think, it was all caused by him and Cas not meeting.

"Why wouldn't he have?" Balthazar looked confused. "He said yes the moment Lucifer was out of the gate."

Dean could only stare at him. He looked over at Bobby, trying to see if this was true. The guilt and pain that seemed to surround the man he considered a surrogate father verified it. He could understand why Bobby wouldn't look at him.

"No." Dean said roughly, turning back to Balthazar. "I wouldn't have let him."

The angel snorted. "How could you have stopped him? We raised you from Hell at basically the same time that Lucifer was released. That was the 'right' time, and showed that Heaven never had any intention of stopping things."

The hunter was glad that he was still sitting. He put his elbows on the table, and his head fell into his hands. This was wrong, all wrong. How could the people in this universe even begin to bear this?

"So why am I not here? Am I still looking for a way to save Sam, or am I a sock puppet too?" After all, if Sam was gone and there was no Cas, he personally couldn't see any reason why he wouldn't have said yes. Especially if Heaven tried to guilt him into it using his Hell experiences against him.

From the corner of his eye, he saw Balthazar wince. He looked up, confused, as the angel slowly spoke, "Well, not quite."

A loud, uneven knocking came at the door. "Bobby, let me in!" A hoarse voice called.

All three residents of the room turned to look in the direction of the front door. The pounding continued.

"Well, speak of the Devil," Balthazar's lips gave an ironic twitch, "you're home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Yes, I know: I'm terrible. The way that things went in Hell is based off my own personal headcanon of the trip, which can be seen in the first part of my fic "Down Into the Dark and Deep" (1st part - saving Dean from Hell, 2nd part - saving Sam from the Cage, 3rd part - a theoretical way to have saved Dean from the figurative Hell of the Mark of Cain). In that, of course, Castiel managed to defeat Belphegor, which is when these two timelines begin to diverge. So my reasoning is this Cas doesn't save Dean-Dean doesn't get raised until Lucifer's already walking around-No one to stop seals from breaking or tell Sam drinking demon blood is bad-Sam releases Lucifer, God doesn't save him, and he has no reason to say No-and more consequences of Cas not meeting and saving Dean are upcoming. This fic is actually turning out to be a lot longer than I originally thought (I thought if I had sat and wrote it all at once, it'd be like a 7000-word one shot), but I'm kinda glad. It's interesting.


	5. Chapter 5

"Is that a bad thing?" Dean couldn't help but ask. After all, the angel didn't seem be particularly thrilled about it. Then again, Balthazar had never seemed to be thrilled to deal with him.

Bobby sighed, seemingly resigned. "I'll let him in." He said as he shuffled towards the front door.

Balthazar also sighed. "Well, Hell didn't exactly treat you well."

Dean snorted. "Hell doesn't treat anyone well."

The pounding stopped as Bobby undid all of the locks. The hunter heard the murmur of voices, though they were followed by heavy steps that were obviously stumbling.

Curious, Dean walked over to the door. It wouldn't be the first time he had met himself. From the corner of his eye, he saw Balthazar open his mouth to stop him.

It was too late though, and Dean froze as he caught sight of himself.

He wasn't sure what he had been expecting. If he had had to assume what he was like in this universe with no Cas, no Sam, and the Apocalypse in full swing, he would have guessed that he would have ended up more like that guy he had met in that potential 2014 Zachariah had shown him.

He had not expected what he saw before him.

If anything, this reminded him of that broken, desperate Cas he had met in that terrible future.

This Dean was thin and he had a sickly aura about him. His eyes were sunken with dark circles, and they stood out on his sharp features. Stubble covered the lower half of his face, but it couldn't cover up the pale tone of his skin. His limbs trembled as he stumbled in, and the hunter couldn't tell if this version of him was stoned or sloshed.

Quite frankly, Dean knew that he had never looked that terrible in his entire life.

He almost flinched when their eyes met.

Parallel Dean narrowed his eyes at him. "The hell?" He slumped against the wall. "I haven't had nearly enough to be tripping like this."

With those words, Dean found that his eyes were drawn to the other Dean's elbow, which showed the telltale marks of a syringe constantly sliding into his veins.

"What the hell happened to you?" He couldn't help but ask, his gaze returning to the face of this shadow.

A harsh laugh answered him. "As if you don't know!" The other Dean angrily replied. "I don't need a lecture from my god damn subconscious."

"Dean, let's get you to bed." Bobby gruffly said, as he tugged the man in the direction of the downstairs bedroom. Tension was wrapped about the old hunter, as if he wanted to tell this Dean off but had learned that there was no point.

"Sure, last thing I need is to have Sam join the party." He followed after Bobby, a staggering mess. "You know, I only sold my soul for him, and he has to say fucking yes to Lucifer." More was said, but it had petered out into mumbles, and Dean couldn't hear it any longer as he moved further away.

Shaken, Dean turned to Balthazar. "What the hell?" He couldn't help but ask. "What is wrong with him?"

"Hell is exactly it." Balthazar said after he had taken another shot.

"Well, obviously." Dean rolled his eyes. "But I went through Hell, too, literally. You don't see me shooting up or drinking like it's the end of the world." He paused as some choice memories filtered through his brain, and the angel raised his eyebrows skeptically. "Well, maybe there have been times I've been a bit too hard on the booze, but drugs have never been my thing."

"Well, you're different."

That wasn't really helpful.

"Okay, so he spent more time in Hell than I did." Dean admitted. "But you angels fixed him up, right? So that doesn't explain – that!" He gestured after his double.

Balthazar sighed, and again put down his drink. "Like I said, you're different." He walked over and again waved his hand over Dean's left shoulder. "I can tell. It seems that when Castiel raised you, he healed not only your body, but whatever damage had been done to your soul as well." He drew his hand back. "I can sense where his Grace passed through you; there's even a spark still there."

The angel returned to the table. "Must have left quite the mark when it happened." He remarked as he once more picked up his glass to continue drinking.

Unconsciously, Dean's hand fell upon his shoulder. He had originally thought that the handprint on his shoulder had been a standard Get-Out-of-Hell-Free card. Though he had to admit that he had wondered why Sam hadn't had his own burn mark when it was revealed that Cas had also pulled him out. The mark had faded over the years, but it had never left his thoughts entirely.

Still, that had been a mark from Cas's Grace? He had never known that before.

"So that didn't happen to that guy?" He jabbed his thumb behind him.

Balthazar snorted. "There was so much damage, I'm not sure it would have worked even if as much care had been taken as Cas has obviously given you. Besides, healing was never Uriel's strong suit."

Dean's jaw dropped. "Mr. Smite-First-Ask-Questions-Later raised me in this universe?" He couldn't quite keep the disgust out of his voice. After all, he had never liked that dick, and the revelation that he had sided with Lucifer and set Alistair on him had not endeared him to the hunter.

"I see you've met him, too." Balthazar said conversationally.

"Yeah, didn't leave a really good impression."

"He generally doesn't." The angel dryly replied.

Dean thought for a moment. Balthazar's explanation was good, but there was something missing. "There has to be more than that though."

The angel sighed. "Your brother saying yes was the final nail in the coffin, I believe." He leaned against the table. "The drugs, the alcohol, it's the only thing he can do to numb the pain and still live. I can understand that." He looked down at his drink pointedly.

Dean grimaced. That really did sound reminiscent of that future version of Cas he had met. "So why didn't he just say yes to Michael?" After all, that had been the entire reason for getting him out of Hell in the first place.

"He did." Balthazar scowled.

The hunter blinked. "He did?" He frowned and glanced towards where Bobby had taken the other version of him. "But I'm still here."

"It didn't take." Bobby grumbled as he walked back in.

"Didn't take?"

"There was simply too much damage from Hell." Balthazar elaborated. "Michael simply couldn't take you as a vessel. He tried though." The angel shrugged. "It only made everything worst."

"So then, Michael can't come down and have his fist fight with Lucifer?" That was the only thing that Dean could really get from that. As much as he hated the dick, he also knew that without Michael around and Lucifer in his True Vessel, it wasn't good for anyone.

"He recently found a replacement." The angel said. "It took them a while to make arrangements, but he's apparently walking around in your half-brother, Adam Milton."

"Ah." Dean nodded. That's what it had come down to. Then the pieces came together in a final picture. "So that event that's going to take place that'll decide this universe's fate…"

"Yes. Michael and Lucifer are going to face each other in battle soon. If we don't stop them," Balthazar grimly stated, "then there will be nothing left."

"We do have a plan though." Bobby said, trying to reassure him.

Dean could make a good guess at what that plan was about. After all, Gabriel was the one leading the angels who jumped off the Apocalypse train.

"The bigger problem we have at the moment," Balthazar commented, "is what to do with you."

"What do you mean?" Dean's face scrunched up in confusion. "If you know the spell, can't you just zap me back?"

The angel sighed, his hand raising to pinch the bridge of his nose as if to ward off a headache. "If I knew exactly where you were from, yes, I could." His hand withdrew and he sent a glare at the hunter. "Do you know how many different universes there are? A different universe can be created every time someone makes a decision. Unless you have an exact idea of where you are going or coming, I could end up sending you anywhere!"

Dean gulped. Yeah, that really didn't sound good. "Then, what are we supposed to do?" He looked between the two.

Balthazar opened his mouth to answer when the radio on the counter snapped on. Their eyes jerked over to it as the dial moved without any of them touching it, static thinning out into music.

" _If I never knew you, if I never knew this love, I would have no inclining of how precious life could be."_

The static returned again, and Dean took a cautious step towards it. Another song broke through.

" _Baby, you're my angel. Come and save me tonight. You're my angel. Come and make it all right."_

"An angel's trying to contact us." Balthazar's voice quavered, and he looked a bit panicked. He raised his hand to blow the radio to bits.

"Wait!" Dean grabbed Balthazar's hand despite knowing that it wasn't a good idea to stop an angel mid-smite. He just had a feeling that this wasn't a call they wanted to miss.

There was more static before the song changed again.

" _Limitless, undying love, which shines around me like a million suns. It calls me on and on, across the universe."_

The static came back, but this time, something other than music broke through.

" _Dean? Dean?"_

Dean's heart leaped in his chest and he couldn't help but grin. Bobby and Balthazar looked confused as they looked from the radio to him and back. The hunter stepped closer.

"Cas."

Balthazar started and stared at the radio in shock.

" _Dean."_ The angel's voice sounded relieved as it broke through the static. _"Where are you? You're not currently in our universe."_

"Yeah, I kinda noticed." Dean huffed out a laugh.

" _What happened?"_

"I was at the store, and someone used that one spell Balthazar did once to send me here. I didn't see who." Dean was still kind of mad about that, but it's not like he could do anything about it.

" _Are you alright?"_ He could hear the worry in Cas's voice and he gave a wry grin. If only the angel would spend some of that worry on himself rather than using it all on him and Sam.

"I'm fine. I'm at Bobby's and Balthazar with us." He heard the angel take a sharp breath at the mention of both of their lost friends. "Hey, Balthazar said he can't send me back because it's imprecise or whatever. Can you guys pull me through?"

" _We do have the ingredients in the Bunker, but the location…"_ For a second, it seemed like Cas had turned away to talk to somebody else. His voice faded out and static settled in. It came back in no time. _"Jody has agreed to temporarily sacrifice one of her windows. It'll take us about six hours to gather the ingredients and make our way up. Will you be fine for that long?"_

"Yeah." Relief flooded Dean.

He was going to be able to go home.

" _Please do not do anything rash and we will retrieve you shortly."_ Castiel's last command came through as the radio's sound dissolved into static and turned off.

It took Dean a moment to turn back to the room's other two occupants. "Well, that's one problem solved." He said with a grin, deciding to ignore the angel's final bit of advice.

After all, it's not like he ever went looking for trouble.

Usually.

"That – that was really Castiel." Balthazar stammered, appearing to be in slight shock.

"Yeah, I wasn't lying." Dean frowned at him.

"Well, I guess that's settled." Bobby rose from the table. "I've got some research to do, but I'll take you over to Jody's old place when it gets close to time. There's some leftovers in the fridge if you need something to eat." He gave a final nod before going back to the study. Considering the late hour though, Dean bet that he'd have to be the one to wake Bobby up from where the old hunter would be slumped over, sleeping, at his desk when the time came.

"I'm…" Balthazar faltered, causing the Winchester to glance over at him. He seemed slightly upset, but Dean didn't push him. It couldn't have been easy to hear from someone that for you was dead. "I need to tell this to Gabriel, but I will also come back when the time comes." There was a fluttering sound and the angel was gone.

Now there was nothing left to do but wait. Which was something that Dean hated to do. However, given the Apocalypse and all, and the fact that it seemed most people were currently in mini-fortresses protected by angels, it wasn't like he could go kill time at a bar.

With a sigh, he opened the fridge, because he was hungry. Then, he couldn't help but smile once more.

There was a mostly uneaten pie sitting on the shelf.

_Maybe this wait won't be too bad_. Dean thought to himself, as he pulled out the pie, grabbed a fork and dug in

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: So, yeah, Dean was too damaged and messed up from all of this. I think people forget sometimes, when they bash Cas and ask what his purpose is, that if it wasn't for him, both Dean and Sam would probably be in Hell, or they wouldn't be as well off, as it is, at the moment. That was part of my reason, not just being inspired, for me to write this. Basically, I thought about how bad things would get if Cas hadn't pulled Dean from Hell, based on what I kew about the other characters. How do you think I'm doing? Also, did you catch the songs? I chose each one on purpose and if you make a close enough guess, I'll give you a virtual chocolate chip cookie.


	6. Chapter 6

At first, Dean was right about the wait not being too bad.

He actually took a short nap right there in the kitchen, leaning back in his chair, after he'd finished off the pie. He felt almost bad about eating the entire thing, but he figured that after the day he'd been having, he kind of deserved it.

The wait began to turn south when he woke up.

Or rather, when the Dean of this universe woke up.

The other Dean's stagger right into the doorway to the kitchen made Dean jolt right up in the chair and out of his lovely nap. He looked up to see the shadow of himself squinting at him.

"You're still here." Other Dean said, sounding almost puzzled.

"That's cause I'm real." Dean couldn't help but retort. It was a kneejerk reaction, and he simply couldn't help it.

After all, Dean hated meeting himself.

There were probably a bunch of psychobabble reasons to explain that, which he knew Sam would just love to jump into, but he really didn't like to think about it.

Other Dean's face scrunched up. "How?" He wavered on his feet a bit as he tried to straighten up.

"Parallel universes are just a bunch of fun." Dean joked a bit, but the mirror of him just scowled.

_Guess my sense of humor's gone too._ Dean thought as he watched his other self stumble to the sink and pour himself a glass of water. He raised an eyebrow at it, as he himself probably would have gone for the whiskey.

"So why are you different?" Ah, now the other Dean was picking up the whiskey. He didn't even bother to get a glass, he just chugged it straight from the bottle.

"Cas rescued me after forty years." Dean said plainly, knowing his other self wouldn't appreciate any jokes he could make or BS.

The other man's face scrunched again in confusion. "Cas?"

"Castiel, Angel of the Lord." Dean said, and he couldn't help but wonder, before talking to Balthazar earlier, when he had last actually referred to the angel as such.

"Oh, another one of those self-righteous, smiting monsters." His other self snorted. "Goody for you."

Dean paused. There was something about his tone that was rubbing the hunter the wrong way. And the way he was just shoving Cas into the same category as all other angels… "Hey, Cas is different. Besides, aren't you working with angels right now to stop the Apocalypse?"

The other Dean snorted even louder and took another swig. "Apocalypse, smocalypse. What the hell do I care?"

Something began to boil in Dean's blood. "You don't care?" Dean growled. "You started this!"

"Yep!" His counterpart waved his hand nonchalantly. "But it's not my problem now. I got out, but I'm no use, so I might as well just wait for it to either end or blow over."

"You're doing nothing?" Dean couldn't help his disbelief. This guy was deliberately ignoring everything, burying himself in alcohol and drugs. Even future Cas hadn't done that, and he was sure that that version of his friend was even more broken than the guy in front of him.

Dean would never shirk his responsibilities like this.

"Nothing to do." His other self shrugged. He took another swig before making his way to lean against the wall. "By the way," he paused as he took another drink, "I don't really know what you're talking about, but this Cas guy probably isn't that different. I've never heard of him, so he's obviously not trying to stop this."

Everything froze, and Dean could only stare at his counterpart in shock. "Cas died trying to save you from Hell." He said softly.

The other Dean snickered. "Well, he did a piss-poor job then, huh?" He scratched at the marks along his arm absently. "Good riddance."

"What do you mean?" Dean rose from his chair angrily, glaring at the other. "Don't you even care that he died?" He was beginning to clearly see why Balthazar had never mentioned Cas, especially to this guy.

"Why should I?" The dick sneered. "After all, if he couldn't get me out, then what use is he?"

Dean didn't think. Before a thought could begin to pass through his mind, he was gripping the other Dean by his shirt and shoving him against the wall.

"Don't you dare say that about Cas!" Dean snapped, his voice rising to an almost yell.

"Why, even if he's different as you say, he's still a dick with wings just like all the others." The guy choked out.

Dean slammed him harder against the wall. "Do you even know all the shit he went through just trying to rescue you? Do you even know what sort of crap he's gone through because he _did_ rescue me?"

Definitely yelling now, but how dare this guy say that kind of stuff about Cas. Cas was never like those dickbags. _Never._

Distantly, he thought he heard Bobby get up and ask about what was going on, but his attention was solely on himself.

Even more than anyone else, he wouldn't let himself say those things about Cas. Not now.

"You can't say that sort of crap!" Dean growled, eyes ablaze. "You don't even know – "

And suddenly, he cut off as it hit him. His shock was such that he let go of his counterpart and backed away.

_He doesn't know._

Balthazar had said it earlier, but it hadn't really sunk in until now when he had this shadow of himself insulting his angel.

This Dean had never known Castiel. He didn't know anything about him.

This man had never had had the bejeezus scared out of him in a barn covered in sigils as Castiel walked in and got stabbed by him without even blinking.

He'd never seen that head tilt of confusion or curiosity, or heard, in a voice that sounded like it'd been gargling gravel, things that no one had ever told him, like "You think you don't deserve to be saved." or "You're not a machine, Dean." or "You can't save everyone, my friend, though you try."

He'd never seen an angel that could face down demons, Leviathan, and every other creepy crawler without a lick of fear look terrified at the prospect of sex at a brothel or having to face a teenage girl with as many Daddy issues as the rest of them.

He'd never known an angel who would give up everything and anything for him, and yet still forgive him whenever he screwed up.

It was only now, as he stared at this alternate version who had never known Cas, that he realized all that the angel had done for him and how much he needed him.

It was only now, more than ever, that he could tell that he really didn't deserve the angel.

"Is there a problem?" The familiar growl came from the side, and Dean snapped out of it and glanced over at Bobby.

The older hunter was glaring at both of them, moving his gaze from one to the other, and it was clear that he had an inkling of what had been going on.

"Nah." Dean shrugged, trying to go for nonchalant, but ultimately failing. Especially as his counterpart was rubbing the back of his head from where it had slammed against the wall.

"Son of a bitch." The other him cursed, pulling his hand away, and Dean supposed that he should be grateful that he didn't hit him hard enough to make him bleed.

The two Deans glared at each other.

Dean remembered the last time he had met himself in an Apocalyptic world. That one, he had found, had simply been broken, so much so that he'd send their best friend to his death. Though now that he thought about it, that Cas had probably known that all along.

This Dean, though, was different. He wasn't broken, he was missing something entirely.

A part that clearly was labeled Castiel.

As neither Dean offered up an answer, Bobby sighed and checked his watch. "We'll be leaving in about an hour so we don't miss the window of time. Be ready by then." With that, he turned on his heel and returned to his studies.

Well, Dean wasn't going to be spending his time here with his clone. He followed the old hunter out, figuring that he might as well give a hand. The hunter made sure to ignore his counterpart's glare as he remained in the kitchen and shuffled towards the refrigerator.

Still, Dean couldn't deny a little shred of pleasure at hearing his clone cry out, "Hey! Where's the pie?!"

* * *

"Well, here we are." Bobby said as he pulled into the drive in front of Jody's old house.

Dean wrinkled his nose. Like all places he'd been to, except Bobby's, this place also looked abandoned. The windows were all intact though from what he could tell, so at least there was that.

The hunter slipped out of the car and went to the front door. It was unlocked, so it didn't take long for him to enter. He stood in the living room and looked around. After all, no one had specified which window the spell would be conducted on. They'd come early just in case though. It wasn't much of a loss as the hunter had wanted to get away from his other self as soon as possible.

Besides, this was one ride Dean really did not want to miss.

"All set then?" Balthazar drawled, peering around the house as well. He and Bobby had followed behind him, both saying that it was to make sure that he'd get out of their hair, but he could tell they were worried.

Lucifer and Michael were on the loose after all.

"Yeah, I guess." Dean shrugged. He slipped his hands into his jacket pocket, as he had nothing better to do with them.

As he did so, his hand brushed against warm metal next to his car keys.

A light bulb went off over his head.

He'd thought that there wasn't much he could do for these people, but perhaps there was.

"Hey," Dean asked, glancing at Bobby. He pulled out the object from his pocket as the older hunter turned to face him. "Got a paper and pencil?"

Bobby frowned but pulled out a pad of paper from his back pocket and a stub of a pencil from his front one.

"Awesome." Dean placed the paper on the wall to support it, and hurriedly scratched out a set of coordinates that had changed his life. He turned back to the man he considered to be his second father. "Here."

Dean handed back the paper and pencil, along with the item from his pocket.

It was the key to the Men of Letters' Bunker.

"What's all this?" Bobby looked between the paper and key.

"Those coordinates are for the number one repository of supernatural knowledge: the Men of Letters' Bunker." Dean stated almost proudly.

"The Men of Letters'?" Balthazar appeared impressed, and Dean couldn't help the smug pride he felt at that. He studied the key in Bobby's hand. "I thought they'd all died off here in North America."

"They did, but Sam and I are Legacies. Because of some wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey crap, we learned this, and were given this, the key to the Bunker." Dean explained. "We've never really looked, but maybe there's something that could help you with next week, have a better fighting chance."

"Yes." Balthazar said distantly. "We could probably find something to help Gabriel's plan."

"It sounds better than dying." Bobby stated nonchalantly, but Dean could tell he was excited at the prospect of having a chance to end this and a new place to explore and research. The old hunter looked up at Dean worriedly though. "Won't you need this though?" He curled his fingers around the key.

Dean waved his worries away. "That's just a copy of the original key. I can get a new one, plus Sammy and Cas still have their copies." His expression sobered. "Just make sure it doesn't get into the wrong hands."

"I won't." Bobby promised. "What do you take me for, a fool, boy?" He narrowed his eyes at Dean.

Dean grinned. "Nope." Man, conversing with Bobby was one thing he missed. It was probably the only thing he'd regret about leaving here.

After all, he and Sam could use some fatherly guidance, and Dean wasn't going to rely on God like Sam seemed to be leaning towards.

"Ah," Balthazar's voice caught Dean's attention, and he turned to see a familiar red sigil glowing on the front window.

"Well, guess that's my cue." Dean braced himself, preparing to run and jump through. "Take care of yourselves." He told the two who were fighting an Apocalypse.

"You as well." Balthazar said, and he didn't even sound sarcastic.

"Look after your brother and this angel of yours." Bobby ordered.

Dean through them a grin before he sent himself crashing through the window.

He was going home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: As you can probably tell, this fic is starting to wind down. Probably only two more chapters. So, this time Dean got to actually talk to himself (wow, that was hard with the back and forth; there's only so many ways you can say "Other Dean") and he definitely didn't like what he saw. I figure that with no Sam for him to worry about and no Cas to ground him and be there for him, Dean would have zero motivation to do anything, especially as he wasn't able to do the one thing he should have been able (saying yes to Michael).
> 
> Oh, and a virtual cookie to linusfan13 (on FF.Net) for guessing that one of the songs from last chapter was "Angel" by Aerosmith. Considering you're the only person who tried, 1 out of 3 isn't too bad.


	7. Chapter 7

Again, Dean felt that sensation of weightlessness, as if he was floating in the air and being carried far away.

Then he was rolling onto green grass, landing on his back and facing blue sky. There weren't any roiling clouds. He couldn't help but blink at it for a moment.

A very familiar face leaned over him, blonde hair falling in sheets around her face. "Hey," Claire narrowed her eyes, the pissed off expression very reminiscent of Cas. "I've got a bone to pick with you." She said.

"Aren't you going to let him up first?" Dean glanced over to see Alex snickering at the two of them. Claire straightened and pointedly looked away, a slight pout on her lips. Alex laughed outright, which was very different from the sullen teen Dean remembered, and she held a hand out to the hunter.

Dean took it, and he stood on his feet, looking around. Behind him, there was Jody's broken window, shattered pieces all over the ground. The sheriff looked livid as she was obviously chewing Sam out on the sidewalk going up to the door.

"You said you'd have to break the window a little. Not this!" She gestured at the Dean sized hole in the window. "And that's after you spread blood or god knows what on it."

To be fair, it was a bit big to cover up. And it was facing the neighbors.

Sam was raising his hands in a placating manner. "Okay, we probably should have mentioned that it'd be breaking large enough for Dean to come through but it's only temporary." He looked over towards it himself. "See?" He gestured at it.

Dean looked at it as well. The pieces of window and glass trembled and began to fly back towards the house. Within moments, one would never be able to tell that a person had violently crashed through it.

Jody crossed her arms, obviously not happy still, but not about to mention it as the problem had been fixed. Or maybe she was just gearing up for a lecture regarding the recklessness of him and Sam. Either was a clear option.

It was then that a familiar figure emerged from the front door.

Castiel blinked a bit as he came out into the sun, and he turned to study the window and make sure that it was fully repaired. His lips quirked up a bit as he saw that he had done a satisfactory job.

Dean found himself moving before he could really think about. Cas turned to him as he got closer, smiling a small smile as he caught sight of the hunter. "Hello, De-"

His customary greeting was cut off as Dean pulled him into a hug.

The angel didn't react for a moment, which wasn't that big of a surprise as Dean rarely initiated any type of affectionate gesture. Then, he brought his arms up to hug him back though the older Winchester could almost see the confused head tilt, even as he was drawn closer.

"Dean," Cas murmured, "is something wrong?"

"Nah." With a final squeeze, Dean stepped away and just looked at the angel.

Cas was giving him that confused look, his brow furrowed in his concern. Still, Castiel was alive and here, not tortured to death on Hell's racks, and that was enough for Dean.

"Ah-hem." A very suspicious cough sounded, and both of them jolted a bit. A glance over showed Claire raising an eyebrow at their antics (it seemed like she's the one who coughed), Alex giggling, Sam snickering, and Jody looking like she was done with them already. The sheriff's reaction reminded him oddly of Bobby.

"So, go somewhere nice?" Sam asked nicely, a bit too nicely in Dean's opinion.

Dean realized he was still holding onto Cas's shoulders, and he immediately dropped his hands. "Not really." He admitted. Now, Sam's face scrunched with concern. He ignored it. "Anyway, I think we've taken enough of Jody's time; let's head back to the Bunker."

"Alright." Cas replied, moving towards the Impala which was parked in Jody's drive, though he sent a worried look over his shoulder at Dean.

"Fine." Sam rolled his eyes, knowing he wouldn't get anything from Dean about his trip, at least not today, and turned to Jody to thank her once more.

Dean moved to follow the angel, not being able to wait to get behind the wheel of his Baby and go home, but a sharp jerk on his arm stopped him.

A quick look showed Claire scowling at him. She tugged him away from the others. "I said I had a bone to pick with you."

When they had gotten a bit farther away, and out of angelic hearing range he noted, the girl turned to him and crossed her arms. For a moment, Dean wondered what had happened to her and her family in that world where Cas had never had to take Jimmy as a vessel.

It was probably not the best time to think about it as Claire looked pissed.

"I thought I told you to take care of him." She growled, her eyes flicking over to Cas. "But he looks like complete crap."

Guilt flooded through Dean. He had promised her, hadn't he. And in the time since their last meeting, Dean had nearly beat the angel to death, Cas had been put under a spell that compelled him to attack others and the struggle not to clearly cost him, and he had been tortured and abandoned by his siblings.

The hunter really didn't need this on top of what he'd just seen and learned.

"I know." Dean followed her gaze, and he noticed for the first time that Cas really didn't look well. If the guy had been human, the hunter would have insisted that he slept because the angel appeared to need a decent eight hours to get rid of those bags under his eyes. He'd been so focused on the Darkness that he hadn't noticed that something was off about the angel.

Now that he thought about it, Castiel had barely left the Bunker since the spell was lifted. And even for Cas, these Netflix binges were suddenly a bit suspicious.

A sharp pain jolted him out of his thoughts. "Hey!" Dean rubbed his arm where Claire had just punched him.

"It's not my fault you went off to La-La Land." Claire snorted. Her blue eyes, so much like Cas's, met his. "So what are you going to do about it?" She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow, her foot tapping impatiently.

Dean already had an idea. "Look, I'll take care of it." He promised.

Claire looked at him for a long moment. "You better." She eventually said. "Or else you'll have to deal with me." There was a hard glint in her eyes, and for some reason, it reminded Dean of that time that Cas had literally knocked some sense into him during the Apocalypse.

The hunter wondered why he had thought that leaving the Grigori sword with Claire was a good idea.

"Yeah, I know."

"Good." Claire nodded, deciding to be satisfied with that. "Now go; your husband's waiting." She gave a little shooing motion towards the Impala.

Dean spluttered, and he hated the fact that he could feel the red rising in his cheeks. "We're not like that!" He insisted as the girl escorted him to the car.

Claire gave him an incredulous look. "Cas looks at you the same way my dad looked at my mom. I think I know best." And with that, she broke away to move to Cas. The angel looked down at her curiously, and Claire surprised him with a hug. He returned it, and Dean could see that Claire was whispering something into his ear. Whatever it was brought a smile to Cas's face.

Dean wondered what she had said.

The two stepped away from each other and Claire joined Jody and Alex in waving good-bye. "See you!" She called, as Dean slipped into the driver's seat, followed by Sam and Cas taking their respected seats, and turned the ignition.

Dean smiled as Baby left the drive, her smooth purr a welcome comfort.

He'd take care of everything once they were back at the Bunker.

* * *

Dean stepped into the Bunker, drinking it in.

This was his home. It wasn't abandoned or rundown or lacking in life. The lights were on, books were piled on the table, and he could see Sam's laptop charging on an armchair.

It was so much better than that horrible reality.

"So, who wants some food? I'm going to make some pancakes." Sam, the ever tactful brother, offered as he probably sensed that Dean wanted to talk to Cas. The older brother felt that old anxiety over actually talking begin to rise, but at the same time, he was thankful for his brother for giving them some space as it was going to be hard enough already.

He also was grateful that Sam was offering to only make pancakes. It was one of the few decent things that his little brother could make. For all his smarts, Sam was a kitchen disaster.

"Thanks, Sam." Dean said, knowing his brother would get the message.

Sam gave an understanding smile as he went off toward the kitchen.

That left just Dean and Castiel standing in the library. The angel glanced over at him, but after a few moments of the hunter not talking, he started shuffling towards the direction of the bedrooms.

"Wait!" Dean said quickly. Cas paused, and turned back to look at him. "We need to talk." The hunter firmly said, gathering his resolve.

If he didn't know Cas so well, he would have missed the tiny flinch that racked the angel. It was more in his eyes than in his body language, but it was still there. For a second, all Dean could wonder was what could have caused such a reaction.

Then he remembered the last time he had told Castiel that. He really did owe the angel a huge freaking apology for everything.

Cas deserved it, but he never asked for it. Probably because he was usually busy apologizing for something he himself done.

"C'mon." Dean gestured at the table and Castiel sat down, eyeing him warily. The hunter chose just to lean against the table, looking down and studying the angel.

"Look, I…" Dean ran his fingers through his hair. He really sucked at this sort of thing. "I'm sorry, okay?" He tried to ignore the way the angel's eyes widened at his words, because it made him just want to punch himself in the face. "For the other day," he began to elaborate, but Cas cut him off.

"You don't have to apologize." Cas replied. "As I said, I know you did not mean them. Instead, I," his face twisted a bit, "I shouldn't have snapped at you."

Dean stared at the angel in shock.

Was Cas really turning this around to blame himself?

"No, Cas." Dean said a bit roughly, conviction in his voice. "That was not your fault, you had every right to snap at me. I shouldn't have said those things in the first place, and I shouldn't keep taking out my frustrations on you. You don't deserve it. Besides, I got the feeling everything you said was true to you, right?"

Eye avoidance was always a sure sign that Cas was hiding something. In this case, it just showed that that outburst the other day was really how the angel felt.

"And I wasn't just saying sorry for that." Castiel looked back up at him with a confused head tilt. "I was also apologizing for all of the other stuff you've been through."

Cas frowned, a bit annoyed. "I told you that that was my – "

"Yeah, your choice. I got that." Dean halted his rebuttal. "But not all of it was your choice, especially lately." He couldn't help but glance at the spot in the library where just weeks before, Cas had lain bloody and beaten.

Understanding crossed Castiel's face. Then his expression saddened with sympathy. "That wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was. My fists, my rage, my fault." Dean felt something crumbling in side, and he couldn't guess what his face was showing but it had a definite effect on Cas.

The angel rose from his seat so that he was standing right in Dean's personal space. "That was the Mark, it wasn't you." He said just as resolutely as Dean had about it not being Cas's fault.

"I'm the one who chose to accept the Mark, and because of that, you…" Dean found that he couldn't look at the angel, and brought his hand up to hide his eyes from the blue, ancient eyes staring at him.

A gentle hand caught his and brought it down. Castiel gave him a small, sad smile. "You cannot ignore the fact that I hurt you too, Dean." He brought his empty hand up and it hovered right over the spot on Dean's face where there had been a particularly bad bruise before Sam coerced his brother into letting Cas heal it. He looked conflicted for a moment before dropping his hand back down.

"You were under the control of Rowena's spell!" Dean defended the angel.

"And you were under the control of the Mark." Cas stated plainly.

The two of them just stared into each other's eyes, not wanting to back down. For a moment, for Dean at least, it felt like those old times. The times that may have had terrible things happening around them, but they were together so they could fight everything.

The hunter gave a huff of laughter. "I'm never going to convince you otherwise, am I?"

A more genuine smile quirked at Cas's lips. "No." He grew more somber after a small beat. "However, I – " Castiel looked away. "I thank you for apologizing. I think a part of me needed to hear that." He said quietly.

"Is something wrong?" Dean asked, worry prickling at him.

"Will you answer me from when I asked earlier?" Cas turned back to him.

It was too soon. How could Dean even begin to talk about that world where everything was going to Hell in a hand basket all because they never met?

"Touché." He countered. "Still, you can talk to me if anything's wrong, you know?"

"Of course." Cas nodded, though Dean suspected the angel wouldn't take his advice. He had picked up too many habits from him and his brother.

Apparently deciding that this was the end of the conversation, Castiel began to turn to return back to the bedrooms. It was then that Dean realized that the angel had still been holding his hand because Cas let go of it.

Dean still had one more thing to say. He couldn't talk about what all he'd seen, but he wasn't going to let it go to waste.

"Wait." He grabbed onto the sleeve of that ever present trench coat to stop the angel from leaving. Of course, if Cas didn't want to stay, he could easily draw away, but instead he turned back once more and his eyes rested on Dean, awaiting his words.

Dean took a deep breath. "I think I get it now, what you were saying the other day." He said. "If I had never known you…" He gulped as he couldn't help but think of his other self. "I'd be a mess, man. It's like some part of me would be missing. I'd have no clue what it was, and I wouldn't appreciate what I have at all because of that.

"So," his fist tightened on the trench coat, and he found he couldn't look the angel in the eye, "I'm glad too, that we met. I'm so, so grateful, because as long as you're around, I can't help but think that we have a chance."

_This is so gay._ Dean couldn't help but think. He'd managed to say it though, so that's all that counted.

As he finished speaking, he heard the small gasp, and he couldn't help but look up.

The light seemed to be shimmering in Cas's eyes like they were glassy. Dean realized that Cas was on the verge of crying, and seeing as that had never happened before, a part of him was freaking out.

Yet the angel didn't look sad. He appeared to be shocked, and it dawned on Dean that probably no one had told him such a thing before. After all, his siblings had made their opinions pretty clear, and he had always been the odd one out it seems.

Without thinking, like earlier, Dean brought Castiel into his arms. The angel took a shuddering breath and positively _snuggled_ into Dean's embrace. But the hunter wasn't going to stop because it was obvious that Cas needed this. He had been hurt so often, especially lately, and not only by his siblings. Dean would gladly give this to Cas.

And if Dean were a bit braver, he would admit that he needed this, Cas safe in his arms, as well.

But for now, he just held the angel closer, trying to comfort the person who had always been there for him and should have heard what he had just told him a million times over.

That was what Castiel really deserved.

So he just pulled Cas close and felt that surge of gratitude once more for getting to know this angel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Only one bit left, and that's mostly done as I wanted to write the final scene before it left my mind. We'll get to see who's behind all this.
> 
> As I said previously, I was originally planning on ending the Dean and Castiel stuff differently. I was going to have Dean admit that he was glad he met Cas and that he appreciated him, but a clue to Metatron's whereabouts would have popped up while Dean was gone, so they'd promise to have a better, fuller talk once Castiel got back. Then, I watched 11x06. And there was no talk between them even though the episode built up to it and it truly felt like there needed to be one. Non-Destiel fans and casual fans have even admitted that there should have been a talk, especially as it was revealed that Cas has PTSD. That's why I put in some stuff about how Cas looks like crap and hasn't left the Bunker, which, after looking at what I had already written and posted (before 11x06), actually fit into what I already had and helps it fit into the (stupid) canon. I know that Cas wouldn't really admit to PTSD even if he realized that's what he had, which is why I don't address it further. I leave quite a few hints of Destiel in the air though.


	8. Epilogue

The figure sat down at the bar, satisfied with a job well done. Lifting his hand, he called the bartender over and placed his order, glad to have some _decent_ alcohol for the first time in a long time.

He noticed when the other figure walked over and sat next to him, but paid him no mind. After all, he wasn't a threat.

The second figure turned to the first. "Gotta hand it to you." He said, amber eyes gleaming. "I wish that I had thought of that."

The first figure snorted a bit and gave a nod of thanks as he was handed his drink. "Quite frankly, I'm surprised that you haven't tried something before." He finally turned to his companion. "After all, 'gentle persuasion' is your area of expertise, is it not, Gabriel?"

The archangel grinned. "I thought about it before." He admitted, taking his own incredibly sweet drink from the bartender. "But those two are so incredibly slow when it comes to stuff like this, I'd have to literally spell it out for them."

Another snort was heard. "I told Dean outright how Cassie felt, and that was years ago. So I wouldn't count on that actually working."

"Yeah, I guess you're right." The two fell into silence as they sipped their drinks for a moment. "I've got to admit that I'm surprised that you did it at all." Gabriel said quietly.

An eyebrow was raised in his direction, asking him to elaborate.

"Well," Gabriel continued, not used to having to explain himself in such a manner, "Castiel was the one who killed you, Balthazar."

Balthazar sighed and set his drink down. He looked off into the distance. "I understood though, even as he was doing it."

Gabriel's face scrunched up. "Understood what?"

"You weren't there." Balthazar snapped, a bit of a scolding tone in his voice. "You weren't there, and Dad wasn't there, and really what are your excuses? You two were hanging out, or you were in your own witness protection, so you really cannot understand." He picked up his drink and took a large swallow, enjoying the burn though drinking so fast would make a human dizzy. He signaled for another. "Even I didn't understand until the end." He finished quietly.

The archangel looked away, shame coloring his features, but Balthazar couldn't bring himself to pity his brother.

"Castiel was breaking." He finally said. "He had the world on his shoulders, he wanted to protect us all, and he was desperate to do it. He spread himself so thin that he was losing pieces of himself everyday, losing everything, just to keep us safe and not burden us with his problems. You know him as he's always been like that; he wants to help and he doesn't care if he's destroyed in the process as long as those he cares about are all right. Hell, just by looking at the current situation, he's _still_ like that."

Balthazar picked up the new drink that was set in front of him. He looked into it for a moment, swirling its contents. "And no one noticed. Not Dad, not you, not me, and not even the Winchesters. What did we do instead?" He threw back another gulp. "We each abandoned him. You and Father didn't show your faces in the first place. The Winchesters turned their backs on him without giving him a chance to explain, and by siding with them without even getting his side of the story, I did the same.

"Don't misunderstand, Gabriel." Balthazar looked over at his brother, whose fists were curled on top of the bar. "I am not doing Castiel a favor. I'm trying to make it up to him."

There was a longer pause. The two angels couldn't say a thing to each other.

"Besides," Balthazar finally broke the silence, "he is my favorite brother."

Gabriel cracked a smile at that. "I thought I was your favorite brother." He was obviously glad at how the mood was lightening.

"We both know you're not. Just like I know I'm not yours." The younger angel chuckled. "We share our favorite brother."

"Yeah, there's just something about that kid that's irresistible. Like cute fluffy animals, like kittens and puppies or something." After Gabriel's declaration, they once more fell into silence.

"Hmm." Balthazar swirled his drink around again. "How many of us are back?"

"Don't know. But dear, old Aunty Darkness is back, so who knows what's going to happen?" Gabriel admitted. "I think Dad's got a plan, but who knows if he'll even end up using it? He'll probably watch what others are trying to do first with only giving some crumbs for clues like usual."

"Will he talk to Cas?" At the archangel's stiffening, Balthazar threw him a glare. "Cas deserves to hear something from him. It would have saved everyone a lot of trouble if he had just talked to him sooner. And do you hear what they're _saying_ about him up there? Someone needs to set the record straight."

"I think Dad thinks _he_ doesn't deserve to talk to _Cas_." Gabriel pointed out.

Balthazar sighed. "Well, then." He finished off his last drink and slapped some money on the bar. "Back to work?"

"Back to work." Gabriel joined him in sighing. Though he sent a forlorn, longing look in the direction of the Bunker.

"No, Gabriel."

"Aw, come on. You did it."

"I said, no. We're on the DL, remember?"

"Drat. And I had a good trick for them too…"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: And that's all, folks! It was Balthazar (another angel, like Gabriel, I wish would come back)! I think some of you guessed it or hoped it would be him. Anyway, as I said, I wrote this part back around Chapter 3 or so (when I realized this was going to be longer than I originally anticipated), because I didn't want to lose my ideas for the scene. I did make some changes after it was revealed that Amara's their aunt, but that's it. Oh, and the thing about God and Gabriel off hanging out is a shout-out to Consulting-Cannibal's art and comics, specifically the God 'n' Gabe ones! I love her work, and I'm grateful that she gave me permission to use it in a video I had to make for class about copyright, fair use, and fan works.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this, and I can't wait to see you next time!

**Author's Note:**

> AN: One thing that I'm glad about this season so far is that the pity party and blaming themselves for almost ending the world seems to have mostly stopped. However, habits don't break that easily, and both Cas and Dean have a habit of raking themselves over the coals for this kind of stuff. We know Dean feels guilty too, especially towards Cas, as he, by the episode "Baby," still wouldn't let Cas heal his wounds from Cas hurting him under the attack dog spell.
> 
> This fic is based off of me listening to the song "If I Never Knew You" from Pocohantus and thinking, "Man, what would things be like if they had never met? What if they got into an argument and Dean accidentally wished that?" And ta-dah! It's nothing good, I can tell you.


End file.
